Justin vs. the IMDb: Crank: High Voltage

It has been well over a year since I went to see Crank: High Voltage in the theater, but at the time, I thought it was probably the funniest film I’d seen all year. In retrospect, I still think that. I honestly can’t remember laughing more at a recent film than I did at this film. It’s probably one of the craziest damn films I’ve ever seen, and I mean that in a good way. One of these days, I’ll have to watch it again and maybe do a proper review, but until then, I’ll just take on some of the silly IMDb users who hated it.

It made me physically ill

When I saw the first “Crank” movie I thought “What a terrible movie! There’s no way they’re gonna repeat that!” How wrong I was!… I had to see it to believe it, but after watching “Crank: High Voltage” I feel like I’ve been kicked in the nuts! The movie’s so stupid and absurd that I’ve lost all respect I had for Jason Statham, an actor that I’ve grown very fond of after that amazing “Snatch” movie. The only way anyone can enjoy this film is after a complete lobotomy and having made a “I’m a Jackass” tattoo on the forehead… I’m sorry I’ve wasted my time with this movie and I’ll regret it forever!… I’m sure this movie will only be shown whenever someone wants to get rid of some boring relatives or anytime someone feels constipated and needs a visual enema…

If I’m being honest, I can understand how this film might make some people physically ill. That said, you saw the first one, thought it was terrible, and then went to see the second one just to see how much more terrible it could get? You have nobody to blame but yourself. As George W. Bush said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me–you can’t get fooled again.”

What’s weirder are the people who loved Crank, but hated the sequel. The following reviewer gave it one star:

One of the worst movies 09

First of all I LOVE crank 1. 10/10. I can watch it over and over again. A fresh story, good action, funny moments, nice acting.

Now let’s take a look at crank 2… This is by far the most fuked up movie i have seen last year… and oh my god i have seen like the worst zombie movie ever Where to start. Or better, why start at all. Crank 2 is lacking everything that makes a movie good except the fact that they have a cool main character.

I saw this movie at cinema with my girl and couldn’t walk out but after the scene with these stupid-ass-Latina-Charlie-hoes i got really mad and disappointed. Never seen such a bad acting. And yes… the acting of this hoe is even worse than JeanClaudeVD in Street Fighter.

Whatever. Worst Movie 2009. Doesn’t deserve more than 2.0 and i don’t know a single person that actually liked this movie or thinks of it as “watchable”

Much to learn about ratings you have

I’m not sure what the most annoying part of this review is. I’ll name a few.

  • He mentions the worst zombie movie ever, but  never says what it was.
  • It’s weird how people carry around grudges, like about Jean-Claude Van Damme’s acting from a film that came out 16 years ago. And an absolutely atrocious movie at that. I defy even your favorite actor to deliver the dialogue written for that movie and not be terrible. Not trying to defend Van Damme here, but the best actors are only ever as good as the material allows them to be.
  • You don’t know a single person who actually liked this movie or thinks of it as “watchable”? Well, now you know me. I loved it and want to see it again.
  • The random Yoda-phrased line at the end. What the fuck does that mean?

This movie bites the big one!

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Dear Director of Crank 2, You suck. Why did you make this movie!?! If I had paid to go see this movie I’d be in Hollywood kicking your ass right now. Why make my man, Jason Statham, look like a complete idiot? To make Jason run around for 2 hrs looking for his own heart was really stupid. The man was already dead, you should have left him that way! And to resurrect two people, no less, that is to say Kaylo as his own full body turrets brother was really idiotic. The whole plot, including Jason burning at the end, made me throw up. Don’t do it again! Yo momma!

Signed, A Disgruntled former patron of your movies!

I admit, this review made me laugh, actually. But why is it intrinsically stupid to have Chelios running around looking for his own heart? I mean, apart from the fact that it’s completely unrealistic, but so is everything else that ever happens in action films. But you’re right–the way you would have done it, such that the movie begins and Chelios drops dead right away, would have been a much better movie. Awesome.

This Is What Is Wrong With The World!!!!!

How can people say that this is a good movie this movie is absolute crap, the acting was terrible except Jason statham he did alright, the editing was pathetic they tried too hard and they screwed it royally, they tried to be funny and some parts were but most of it wasn’t, the only part in the whole movie that was funny and good was when he bangs Amy smart again. This is exactly why people are downloading movies now and Hollywood is losing so much money is because they bring out terrible movies like crank 2, everybody who was involved in making this so called movie should all shoot themselves in the head, and to the retard that said that crank 2 should be one of the top 10 sequels of the decade you obviously don’t know anything about movies

Man, Crank 2 is not what’s wrong with the world. I bet almost nobody in Sierra Leone or Darfur ever saw an over-the-top, cartoonish action film like Crank: High Voltage, and yet they still manage(d) to do unspeakably cruel things to each other that makes you wonder whether sociopathy and sadism lurk in all human souls and question how far humans have really evolved beyond our amoral progenitors. Trust me: the fact that some people (like me) were able to appreciate the utter mayhem and absurdity of Crank 2 doesn’t mean that any of us is actively working to bring down the infrastructure of world order. This film is more like a postmodern meta film that comments upon the action genre. It’s intentionally ludicrous, which makes me believe that you’re the one who obviously doesn’t know anything about movies. If you don’t get that or simply don’t care–you find it repulsive anyway–that’s fine. But let’s not get all hyperbolic here. This film doesn’t somehow encapsulate everything that’s wrong with the world.

And by the way, the irony of this review is that you’re disgusted by the brutality of the film, and within a few sentences you’re recommending that the filmmakers shoot themselves in the head. Honestly, if you think that anybody deserves to be killed for making a bad movie, you’re what’s wrong with the world, my friend.

Sadly moronic……

I deeply disturbed by the depths that filmmakers have went in order to gain the American dollar. I rented this movie on PPV and I was glad I didn’t spend the full amount for the theater. Unbelievably moronic in nature. If there were anything that could possibly vault this movie above the sleazy nature of a porn flick I might be more forgiving, but sadly no. What is worse is they actually use porn actors in the movie(as if they have any acting ability outside the women and their orgasms). I guess it is a reason more and more top dollar actors are being viewed in commercials. It is obvious to me that the quality of movies have made the public decide it would better to wait for the rental and save some money. Save your time for a better quality movie, like one of the scary movie sequels.

Do you have any idea how shitty movies used to be? It’s not because of films like this that Hollywood movies are less profitable than they used to be. It’s a combination of about a billion other reasons, like the fact that movies are exponentially so much more expensive to make now than they were even twenty years ago. Or the fact that movie tickets have become so expensive? Or that home video has become so much better (Blu-Ray, HDTV, surround sound, etc.). Or that everybody seems to be a member of Netflix and sees everything they want to eventually, anyway. And so on. Crank: High Voltage is extremely successful at what it intends to do. If it fails, it does so only because you don’t agree with what the filmmakers are attempting to do. There’s a huge difference between a film like this, which is actually very clever about itself, and a movie that tries for some sort of dramatic legitimacy and simply fails in all respects. The former is a niche film, while the latter is merely bad.

Anyway, I’ll stop here. Feel free to contribute your own.

3 Replies to “Justin vs. the IMDb: Crank: High Voltage”

  1. The first Crank was a really good, really fun, really exciting action movie. But the second Crank was probably the Citizen Kane of action movies. It was just brilliant from start to finish. That was probably the most exciting and hilarious film of all time, or at least it’s on the top ten. I mean, from the opening scene where he shoves the shotgun up that guy’s ass to the ending where he is killing down all those guys even while he burns alive, it never stopped being completely awesome.

    Sure, I can understand why this film might not be somebody’s cup of tea, but I sure loved it. Where’s part 3 already? How they hell are they going to top the previous 2 films? Chev is going to have to bang his girlfriend on the front lawn of the White House while Obama is trying to give a speech and then go to heaven and have a knock down fight against God.

  2. “Chev is going to have to bang his girlfriend on the front lawn of the White House while Obama is trying to give a speech and then go to heaven and have a knock down fight against God.”

    ha! I like it. That movie would rock.

  3. The more I think about it, the more I want to see it again. The thing I like about it is that you keep thinking it can’t get any crazier, yet the filmmakers continuously one-up themselves. By the point that you find yourself watching a scene with a Godzilla-sized, rubber-faced Jason Statham fighting an enormous Japanese guy inside a power plant, you’ve just given up trying to predict where Crank 2 is going to take you.

    It does wear you out–I have to admit. But it’s hella funny along the way.

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