11 Comments

  • anna says:

    man,does this mean Im in there with 12 year olds? I loved this! granted, all your points were valid, I still had a great time. I have an unnatural thing for both rodriguez and trejo though. . . 🙂

    • Justin Garrett Blum says:

      That’s not what I’m saying. That’s what my wife is saying. Take it up with Liliana. 😉

  • fuwalda says:

    Hmm.

    I read your review and then followed the link and reread my review. I was way to easy on this movie. Thinking back, it really was a piece of shit.

    Sorry, Anna 😉

    Threw up in your mouth. Heh. That’s mean.

  • fuwalda says:

    Did you ever the The Onion Movie? It’s a really dumb, not very funny sketch movie that’s worth checking out only for a reoccurring gag where they keep showing a trailer for a Steven Seagal movie called “The Cock Puncher,” where he goes around punching bad guys in the cock. Heh. Just writing about that joke is more entertaining than anything that was actually put into Machete.

    Anyway, The Cock Puncher was a joke, but this movie thought it was real. That’s why it sucks.

  • Justin Garrett Blum says:

    I can’t believe they made a The Onion movie.

    After watching this video, I followed a link in the sidebar to a compilation of shots from Steven Seagal movies where he’s hitting somebody in the crotch. There are a ton of those moments. I never realized how much actual cockpunching he does.

  • fuwalda says:

    I can believe they made an Onion movie. What I can’t believe is that it wasn’t funny.

    Or maybe I can. It was kind of funny in the same way the website is funny. The skits were clever and funny at first, but they all went on too long. Kind of like how the Onion headlines are always super funny, but when you actually click on the articles and read them, they usually lose their appeal after a paragraph or two.

  • Lily says:

    I still can’t get that intestine scene out of my head. I have to force myself not to think about it every time I eat.

    I guess all that exaggeration was supposed to be funny, but it didn’t work for me a lot of the time… And what’s with Jessica Alba’s heavy American accent in Spanish? I thought she was supposed to be fluent in Spanish, no?

  • fuwalda says:

    Leave being funny to the professionals, like the guy who came up with the idea for Cockpuncher.

  • sid67 says:

    D00d, every scene in this movie made me pop about a million boners. Boobs, head-exploding-money-shots, Steven Seagal with a samurai sword, Lindsay Lohan getting naked and strung out on drugs, and my main man Danny Trejo?

    One of the best movies ever made, bro.

    • Justin Garrett Blum says:

      Sid! We missed you!

      Speaking of Steven Seagal with a samurai sword, that was another one of those things that made me laugh for being so bad. Remember how the movie played that Six Million Dollar Man bionic sound every time he withdrew the sword from its sheath? What the hell was that all about?

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Machete

Machete (2010)

Rating: ★½☆☆☆ 

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4 Comments

  • fuwalda says:

    Oh yeah, these two movies. These are two of those movies that come out, I have no idea what they are, and then they went away. I had no idea either one was science fiction.

    I’ll check out the first one at least.

    • Justin Garrett Blum says:

      Well, Source Code is definitely science-fiction. The Adjustment Bureau is more like…I don’t know…fantasy? I think that’s why I’m more reserved in my appreciation of it–since I consider religion to be, roundly, bullshit. They’re both good films, though, and to be sure, you don’t have to be religious to enjoy The Adjustment Bureau. Maybe it actually helps if you’re NOT religious, because you’d be less inclined to get offended about it.

  • Lily says:

    I was also expecting the Adjustment Bureau to be bad guys, and was glad to discover they weren’t. It would just have been exhausting to watch another Matrix-like movie. I also liked how romantic the story was.

    • Justin Garrett Blum says:

      Right–I didn’t mention that, but I thought the chemistry between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt was very solid and charming. In retrospect, it’s kind of odd that I wrote this review without bothering to characterize the film as a romance, which is what it is.

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Mind f$%k double-header

This has been an unusual weekend, since instead of watching zero movies–which is how about 99% of my weekends go–I watched two movies. Only one of these films is based upon a short story by Philip K. Dick, but the other is in the general ballpark of Philip K. Dick mind-fuckitude.

Source Code (2011)

Rating: ★★★★☆ 

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8 Comments

  • fuwalda says:

    Oh man, I got no sympathy for anybody who bought the Arcade version of the 360 and then starts to cry about it later on. You saved a bunch of money by knowingly buying the stripped down version of the console. I’ve always wondered what kind of sucker would buy the 360 Arcade, and now I know.

    A trade in program? Pffft. As far as I’m concerned, you Arcade people are a lower class of 360 owners and you shouldn’t get shit.

    But don’t feel too bad. The only thing worse than a sucker who bought the 360 Arcade was some sucker who bought a Kinect.

  • Justin Garrett Blum says:

    I actually had no idea I was buying a stripped down version of the system. At the time, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t buy the Xbox 360 with a built-in hard drive–I think you had to get it externally. This was more than three and a half years ago.

  • Justin Garrett Blum says:

    And yeah, they should have a trade in program, because now I’ll never buy the Kinect or any of the games for the Kinect. What do they expect me to do? Buy a second Xbox 360? Sorry–no. If I’m going to buy a new system, I’ll get a Playstation 3, thanks, and Microsoft gets less and less of my money.

  • fuwalda says:

    When the 360 first launched, there were two consoles: The Pro, which had all the bells and whistles, including a hard drive, and the Core, which was a lot cheaper and lacked the hard drive. The Core was later phased out and replaced with the Arcade, which was more or less the same thing. There have always been two models of the 360, one for people like me who do their homework and buy the best investment, and one for suckers. 😉

    And come on… a trade in program? Why should you get a brand new system?

  • Justin Garrett Blum says:

    I’m not saying a brand new one. Maybe a $100 credit toward one of the newer models or something.

  • fuwalda says:

    I don’t even want a Kinect, but now I’m going to go buy one just to annoy you.

  • Justin Garrett Blum says:

    I wish you would–you’ll love it. You’d be doing yourself a favor.

  • fuwalda says:

    Before I’d buy a Kinect (for which, at this point, there are no games that seem worth a damn), I’d just buy a Wii.

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Things that annoy me: Xbox 360 Arcade Bundle

So  back in 2008, I purchased the Xbox 360 Arcade Bundle, which included what was at the time the standard Xbox 360, which came with absolutely no hard drive. Even then, I knew that was really dumb, because hell–even the original Xbox had a hard drive, and it was very useful.

Fast forward to a few years later and while toying with the notion of purchasing the Kinect for my birthday, I discover that not only does it require that you have at least the 4GB Xbox 360 (which now is the standard–as far as I can tell, they don’t sell the console anymore without a hard drive…because basically, you need a hard drive for everything now), but my Xbox 360 console doesn’t even have a proper power supply to support the Kinect. So…basically, my Xbox 360 is a huge piece of crap and kind of useless for the next generation games. It’s kind of equivalent to owning the original Xbox at this point.

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