Machete (2010)

Rating: ★½☆☆☆ 

What kind of movie is Machete? It’s the kind of movie in which a character will–for no reason at all–mention that the human intestine is ten times the length of the human body, another character will say something to the effect of, “Oh, so you’re saying it’s sixty feet long?” and for five minutes, you’re wondering why this pointless, terribly written, and terribly delivered exchange was in the film, until the lead character, Machete, cuts out a guy’s intestine and uses it to rappel down the side of a building.

Some people might write that paragraph and follow it up with a recommendation to see this film, but not me. When it was all said and done, my wife said it best: Machete is a film that could only appeal to 12 year-old boys.

Also, I’m just going to be mean here–Danny Trejo is one ugly guy. Watching a two hour movie starring Danny Trejo isn’t easy. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit when the film hinted a sexual encounter between Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. In all of his excess, even Robert Rodriguez didn’t have the stones to explicitly show that.

I’ll give it a star for a few chuckles along the way, and an extra half star for Steven Seagal’s death scene. But overall, I didn’t enjoy it. My biggest gripe was the terrible acting all around (much of this owing to terrible dialogue) and a central character who lacked any sort of charisma.

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