Machete (2010)

Rating: ★½☆☆☆ 

What kind of movie is Machete? It’s the kind of movie in which a character will–for no reason at all–mention that the human intestine is ten times the length of the human body, another character will say something to the effect of, “Oh, so you’re saying it’s sixty feet long?” and for five minutes, you’re wondering why this pointless, terribly written, and terribly delivered exchange was in the film, until the lead character, Machete, cuts out a guy’s intestine and uses it to rappel down the side of a building.

Some people might write that paragraph and follow it up with a recommendation to see this film, but not me. When it was all said and done, my wife said it best: Machete is a film that could only appeal to 12 year-old boys.

Also, I’m just going to be mean here–Danny Trejo is one ugly guy. Watching a two hour movie starring Danny Trejo isn’t easy. I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit when the film hinted a sexual encounter between Trejo and Michelle Rodriguez. In all of his excess, even Robert Rodriguez didn’t have the stones to explicitly show that.

I’ll give it a star for a few chuckles along the way, and an extra half star for Steven Seagal’s death scene. But overall, I didn’t enjoy it. My biggest gripe was the terrible acting all around (much of this owing to terrible dialogue) and a central character who lacked any sort of charisma.

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11 Replies to “Machete”

  1. man,does this mean Im in there with 12 year olds? I loved this! granted, all your points were valid, I still had a great time. I have an unnatural thing for both rodriguez and trejo though. . . πŸ™‚

  2. Hmm.

    I read your review and then followed the link and reread my review. I was way to easy on this movie. Thinking back, it really was a piece of shit.

    Sorry, Anna πŸ˜‰

    Threw up in your mouth. Heh. That’s mean.

  3. Did you ever the The Onion Movie? It’s a really dumb, not very funny sketch movie that’s worth checking out only for a reoccurring gag where they keep showing a trailer for a Steven Seagal movie called “The Cock Puncher,” where he goes around punching bad guys in the cock. Heh. Just writing about that joke is more entertaining than anything that was actually put into Machete.

    Anyway, The Cock Puncher was a joke, but this movie thought it was real. That’s why it sucks.

  4. I can’t believe they made a The Onion movie.

    After watching this video, I followed a link in the sidebar to a compilation of shots from Steven Seagal movies where he’s hitting somebody in the crotch. There are a ton of those moments. I never realized how much actual cockpunching he does.

  5. I can believe they made an Onion movie. What I can’t believe is that it wasn’t funny.

    Or maybe I can. It was kind of funny in the same way the website is funny. The skits were clever and funny at first, but they all went on too long. Kind of like how the Onion headlines are always super funny, but when you actually click on the articles and read them, they usually lose their appeal after a paragraph or two.

  6. I still can’t get that intestine scene out of my head. I have to force myself not to think about it every time I eat.

    I guess all that exaggeration was supposed to be funny, but it didn’t work for me a lot of the time… And what’s with Jessica Alba’s heavy American accent in Spanish? I thought she was supposed to be fluent in Spanish, no?

  7. D00d, every scene in this movie made me pop about a million boners. Boobs, head-exploding-money-shots, Steven Seagal with a samurai sword, Lindsay Lohan getting naked and strung out on drugs, and my main man Danny Trejo?

    One of the best movies ever made, bro.

    1. Sid! We missed you!

      Speaking of Steven Seagal with a samurai sword, that was another one of those things that made me laugh for being so bad. Remember how the movie played that Six Million Dollar Man bionic sound every time he withdrew the sword from its sheath? What the hell was that all about?

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